Growing up, I would often drift off into a dreamland.
A truly beautiful place in my mind. It was calm there, delightfully pretty and full of love and smiles. A cocoon of feather-like, protective tenderness would hug me close. My heart would fill with warmth and peace at these times.
It seemed far away from the every-day world I lived in.
“She’s off with the fairies”, “Dolly Daydreamer” and “Earth to Suzannah” are some expressions that would be used to describe my ‘blanks’.
I could spend hours happily in my dreamland state. Staring out to space. Some therapists may call this disassociation. A term used to describe a coping mechanism for those who have suffered severe emotional pain.
I do not believe this was the case with me.
Yes, I was neglected. Yes, I was lonely. No, I wasn’t listened to. After all, in my younger years, it was not unusual for children to be seen and not heard. I was afraid to disappoint my parental figures. The lines of their criticism and anger would alter. That was a puzzle to me. Whenever I was confronted with their frustrations with me, I would struggle. I could never understand what I had done wrong. I cared about them. I tried my best to please them. I genuinely meant well. “Why are they so cross?” I used to wonder.
As a child, my drifting off would happen frequently. Not just at home. Walking to and from school were perfect times to go to my happy place. I lived quite a way from the other pupils. I didn’t have a particular friend so; was often on my own with my thoughts.
I always felt I didn’t belong. I was different. The world I was in didn’t quite seem real. I was confused by it and certainly baffled as to what my place was within it.
Now, wise, confident and having made peace with all my exposures, could my place of beauty have been real? An actual memory from another life or place?
I believe that most people are unaware of the root cause of their behaviours. This lack of awareness can negatively affect those they come into contact with. For instance, the cross reactions I could get from my parents might not have been about me at all. They could have been triggered by something completely unconnected to me? Stress, unresolved grief, fatigue…
Could my escapism to my happy space have been a real place? After all, When I was a very young girl, how could I have known about it when I hadn’t physically experienced anywhere like it?
Is Earth and our lives here actually an illusion? A planet created for humans to learn and progress themselves? Is it intended for us to work hard on ourselves and aim for an end goal… maybe to be in a place of sheer beauty? To want to get there so much, that we would strive in our love and desire, to have it right now, here on Earth?
I know I am a believer not a dreamer. Could my belief make a dream come TRUE?
Look out for my final blog next month ‘What If…’ that really is a brain tickler. It will be my final piece for now as I feel I am moving into something new. Something I am truly excited about. Thank you for taking the time to read what I have written about so far, x
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